By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC
If you’re like me, you have always thought you’d be cool as a cucumber as a parent. I will connect with my child and they will tell me everything. We will be so close. I will not do all of those annoying things that my parents did. And then your sweet little child gets in your car after a day at school and you ask, “How was your day?” The response, “Fine.” So then you casually ask, “Well, did you learn anything new today?” “No.” By now your anxiety is moving up through your body. “Did anything interesting happen at school today?” “Not really.”
THAT’S IT! I haven’t been with you for the past 8 hours (sometimes even longer) and that’s all I get? Four words!!! For many families, this change from sharing every little piece of information about their day to one and two word answers starts in the tween years (10-13 years old). Well, for me, this conversation, if you can really call it that, happened when my child was three years old and I was picking him up from preschool.
THAT’S IT! I haven’t been with you for the past 8 hours (sometimes even longer) and that’s all I get? Four words!!! For many families, this change from sharing every little piece of information about their day to one and two word answers starts in the tween years (10-13 years old). Well, for me, this conversation, if you can really call it that, happened when my child was three years old and I was picking him up from preschool.
Shouldn’t he be telling me that Johnny still can’t pump his legs on the swings or that Sally had an accident during story time? Or even better, something he was excited to learn about? Nope.
One positive I was able to take from this situation is that I now truly understand why parents nag. As a child and family therapist, I read all the books on parenting and child development. None of these could school me into understanding the nature of parental nagging as my three-year-old did. So, why do we ask all of these annoying questions about school, friends, homework, etc.? To manage our own anxiety, that’s why.
The Problem with Nagging
One positive I was able to take from this situation is that I now truly understand why parents nag. As a child and family therapist, I read all the books on parenting and child development. None of these could school me into understanding the nature of parental nagging as my three-year-old did. So, why do we ask all of these annoying questions about school, friends, homework, etc.? To manage our own anxiety, that’s why.
The Problem with Nagging
It may seem at some point if you keep asking questions, your child will answer one of them with a more sincere, thought-out answer. WRONG! With each new question you ask, your child is getting more frustrated. Frustration equals more eye rolling, more sighing and huffing, and eventually the, “I told you, it was fine!” What happens now? Your anxiety sky rockets. He is clearly not fine. Did you hear how upset he is? Something must be going on at school for his to answer like that. Why won’t he open up to me? And maybe after a short reprieve, your questions begin again. As this cycle continues, your child becomes increasingly frustrated and you become increasingly anxious. Face it, your anxiety has turned you into a nag.
This cycle can occur in many contexts; getting homework done, doing chores “correctly,” when they go out with friends, etc. And as parents, we are anxious. Why? For most of us it is because we love our children more than life itself. We want the best for them. We are getting in our own way.
How Do I Turn This Off?
Acknowledging we are in fact anxious naggers is the first step. We then need to be very mindful of our own anxiety in these situations. A very brilliant supervisor gave me this quote as a young clinician working with families; WAIT. It stands for Why Am I Talking. This was great supervision for a young therapist trying to “fix” everything and everyone around me. It is also great advice for anxious parents. You are going to acknowledge your child as they get into the car after school and will probably ask something about how their day is going. When you get the “Fine” answer:
Wouldn’t our lives be easier if children continued to share the most mundane details about their days with us? Our anxiety would be lower, we’d feel connected, and we would be less likely to drive our kids crazy with our incessant questions. As kids grow older, it is developmentally appropriate for them to stop sharing every little thing with us. They are less likely to share with us and spend more time sharing with their friends. So, it is our job to manage our anxiety and keep the connection strong by letting them know we are here and are interested in their lives if they need us. It is a positive thing to watch our children grow and we don’t need to take their individuation so personally. Most of the time, our kids are fine.
This cycle can occur in many contexts; getting homework done, doing chores “correctly,” when they go out with friends, etc. And as parents, we are anxious. Why? For most of us it is because we love our children more than life itself. We want the best for them. We are getting in our own way.
How Do I Turn This Off?
Acknowledging we are in fact anxious naggers is the first step. We then need to be very mindful of our own anxiety in these situations. A very brilliant supervisor gave me this quote as a young clinician working with families; WAIT. It stands for Why Am I Talking. This was great supervision for a young therapist trying to “fix” everything and everyone around me. It is also great advice for anxious parents. You are going to acknowledge your child as they get into the car after school and will probably ask something about how their day is going. When you get the “Fine” answer:
- Take a minute and slow down.
- Determine if there are other concerning behaviors that may lead you to believe they are not in fact fine. Are they slumped in their chair with red, watery eyes? Have they had worries about going to school in the morning? Have they had recent changes in sleep or eating patterns? Or are they nose down and thumbs moving a mile a minute on their phone? If your answer is the latter, they probably are fine. (If they are showing other significant signs that something is wrong, trust your gut. Reach out to the school to see if anything is going on or reach out for some professional help).
- Let’s give them some space. You know, kids need time to decompress from their busy day at school just as adults need to do so after a long day at work. I get frustrated and overwhelmed when my kids start requesting things the minute I step in the door after work. So, before asking a bunch of questions, WAIT. Instead of questions about school, try telling them you are happy to see them and can’t wait to hear about their day at dinner time. You are letting them know that you love them and are interested in their day, and they are getting a short reprieve.
- If you are still struggling with managing your anxiety while waiting for dinner to come, then it might be time to look for some outside support; your partner, another family member, or a close friend could be an ear to listen. Or if it feels more debilitating, seeking help from a mental health clinician may be helpful.
Wouldn’t our lives be easier if children continued to share the most mundane details about their days with us? Our anxiety would be lower, we’d feel connected, and we would be less likely to drive our kids crazy with our incessant questions. As kids grow older, it is developmentally appropriate for them to stop sharing every little thing with us. They are less likely to share with us and spend more time sharing with their friends. So, it is our job to manage our anxiety and keep the connection strong by letting them know we are here and are interested in their lives if they need us. It is a positive thing to watch our children grow and we don’t need to take their individuation so personally. Most of the time, our kids are fine.
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