By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC
The end of the school year is upon us! As we start our summers during the age of COVID-19, we will continue to have to be flexible and manage our expectations. Trips have been canceled. Summer camps will look different; if they happen at all. And the worry of what school will look like in the fall looms large for many. Radical acceptance is a difficult concept for many adults to adhere to, so what about our kids?
In my lifetime, there has not been a global situation that has affected our children as much as this pandemic is, and the effects will be ongoing, long after there is a vaccine and our worlds look closer to how they were in 2019. These times can be confusing, frustrating, and scary for many. Our children’s mental health will be affected if it hasn’t been already, and while mental health professionals are equipped to deal with these experiences that our children are living through, parents are on the front lines. Parents are the first line of defense. This may seem really scary as a parent (I have the privilege of being a parent to two wonderful boys and feel unsure all the time).
How can we as parents help our children weather this storm?
In my lifetime, there has not been a global situation that has affected our children as much as this pandemic is, and the effects will be ongoing, long after there is a vaccine and our worlds look closer to how they were in 2019. These times can be confusing, frustrating, and scary for many. Our children’s mental health will be affected if it hasn’t been already, and while mental health professionals are equipped to deal with these experiences that our children are living through, parents are on the front lines. Parents are the first line of defense. This may seem really scary as a parent (I have the privilege of being a parent to two wonderful boys and feel unsure all the time).
How can we as parents help our children weather this storm?
Modeling
Our children are watching us all the time. The adage “do what I say, not what I do,” just doesn’t work. So, it is our job to sit with our own disappointment and show them that while feelings of disappointment, sadness, frustration, and any other feeling that might be coming up right now are difficult, they are okay and they are a part of life. Feelings are not to be avoided or feared. They help us learn about ourselves and our world. So cry if you need to cry.
So much easier said than done, right? I hear you. There are many things that we are having to figure out as parents. The term everyone has been using is “pivot.” Yes, And. I feel like we are having to change directions weekly if not daily. However, I feel like the word pivot does not honor the emotional weight of changing directions over and over again. So, let’s not just teach our children to pivot. Let’s allow them to see that this is hard and disappointing for all of us.
Putting Words to Your Experience
Cry if you need to cry. Pout a bit if you need to pout. Show your children that you have emotions, and then narrate what is going on for you. We can model behaviors, and then to help our little ones understand their feelings and behaviors, we have to give them the language to understand. This way they will be more comfortable with the process and can then hopefully learn the language to narrate what is going on inside of them to you.
“Hey Buddy. Mom was just thinking about missing out on going to visit grandma and grandpa. I’m feeling pretty sad and miss them. Sometimes crying can help me feel better after a while.”
Will your children magically start sharing their feelings with you? Nope. This step takes time. They are listening and soaking things in. Little by little they will learn the language of their emotions. What this may provide, however, is a start of a conversation.
Talk About It
If you had a trip to Disneyland planned, you had better expect that your children will be devastated. Shoot, I would be too. Don’t let the elephant in the room stay hidden. Children are then apt to believe that these feelings are taboo to talk about. So, as you are modeling sitting with your emotions, stating what is going on, your little one might just have a question. Or they may come give you a hug (practicing empathy), or they may just look at you like you are crazy. No matter the reaction, you are providing your kiddos a priceless gift.
If you notice a change in behaviors or that they seem deep in thought or more irritable, talk to them about it. “Hey, you seem kind of down in the dumps. It’s hard to feel that way.” Again, they may jump at the chance to talk to you or they may not. Doesn’t matter. They know you are up for the conversation if they need it.
If you are really struggling to manage your feelings around all the “pivots” with this pandemic, or at any time in your life. There are trained professionals for you or your children to talk to. Does this mean you are a failure or mentally ill? Nope. It means that you are dealing with something we have never had to deal with before and you are trying to do the best you can with what you’ve got right now. Your best right now may not be your best from 2019. Give yourself some grace and reach out if you need to. Stay healthy and safe.
Our children are watching us all the time. The adage “do what I say, not what I do,” just doesn’t work. So, it is our job to sit with our own disappointment and show them that while feelings of disappointment, sadness, frustration, and any other feeling that might be coming up right now are difficult, they are okay and they are a part of life. Feelings are not to be avoided or feared. They help us learn about ourselves and our world. So cry if you need to cry.
So much easier said than done, right? I hear you. There are many things that we are having to figure out as parents. The term everyone has been using is “pivot.” Yes, And. I feel like we are having to change directions weekly if not daily. However, I feel like the word pivot does not honor the emotional weight of changing directions over and over again. So, let’s not just teach our children to pivot. Let’s allow them to see that this is hard and disappointing for all of us.
Putting Words to Your Experience
Cry if you need to cry. Pout a bit if you need to pout. Show your children that you have emotions, and then narrate what is going on for you. We can model behaviors, and then to help our little ones understand their feelings and behaviors, we have to give them the language to understand. This way they will be more comfortable with the process and can then hopefully learn the language to narrate what is going on inside of them to you.
“Hey Buddy. Mom was just thinking about missing out on going to visit grandma and grandpa. I’m feeling pretty sad and miss them. Sometimes crying can help me feel better after a while.”
Will your children magically start sharing their feelings with you? Nope. This step takes time. They are listening and soaking things in. Little by little they will learn the language of their emotions. What this may provide, however, is a start of a conversation.
Talk About It
If you had a trip to Disneyland planned, you had better expect that your children will be devastated. Shoot, I would be too. Don’t let the elephant in the room stay hidden. Children are then apt to believe that these feelings are taboo to talk about. So, as you are modeling sitting with your emotions, stating what is going on, your little one might just have a question. Or they may come give you a hug (practicing empathy), or they may just look at you like you are crazy. No matter the reaction, you are providing your kiddos a priceless gift.
If you notice a change in behaviors or that they seem deep in thought or more irritable, talk to them about it. “Hey, you seem kind of down in the dumps. It’s hard to feel that way.” Again, they may jump at the chance to talk to you or they may not. Doesn’t matter. They know you are up for the conversation if they need it.
If you are really struggling to manage your feelings around all the “pivots” with this pandemic, or at any time in your life. There are trained professionals for you or your children to talk to. Does this mean you are a failure or mentally ill? Nope. It means that you are dealing with something we have never had to deal with before and you are trying to do the best you can with what you’ve got right now. Your best right now may not be your best from 2019. Give yourself some grace and reach out if you need to. Stay healthy and safe.
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