By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC
The holiday season is upon us. A time for family and friends, too much food and presents. Many parents I know worry about how much is too much when it comes to presents and gift giving. Parents buy many many toys that are sometimes tossed to the side and not used in the ways that you hoped. This can bring up feelings of frustration and resentment and may make you wonder what your child is grateful for, if anything. If you ask your child what they are grateful for, many times you will hear that they are grateful for their tablets or phones, toys, maybe their house or if you’re lucky they might say you or their family. While these are definitely things to be grateful for, the ideas of gratefulness or gratitude are much bigger than the things we possess. How can we teach our children about the power of gratitude?
The Power of Gratitude
Gratitude is more than going around the table at thanksgiving and sharing the one or two things you are grateful for. Gratitude is about slowing down and noticing the little things around you. You can focus on the things you have, the things you get to do, the people around you, and the things that make you-you. Slowing down your busy life of driving your children around to their different activities, helping them with their homework, doing that extra project for your boss, and doing the laundry can be life changing. What I am suggesting is not sitting down for an hour-long meditation session or scheduling a family meeting to discuss the importance of being grateful for the things you have. I am suggesting taking a moment or two to take a deep breath when you step outside or a moment to watch your child practice tying their shoes. You can take one moment to smile and pat yourself on the back for a job well done on a project at work or for a dinner you took out of the oven. Gratitude is about observing a moment and finding calm or peace or thankfulness for that moment. You can quickly move on to the next task at hand until you notice another moment where you feel satisfaction or peace.
Changing the Negative to Positive
Many times we do stop to notice the little things, and those things are not peaceful or positive. We notice the clothes left on the floor, the food left on a toddler’s face, the items that have not been completed on your to do list or any other negative thing present. How can you move past these negative thoughts?
One way is to stop, observe how you are feeling and describe it in a way that is not judgmental or shaming. Notice if the voice in your head is saying “always” or “never” when describing what you see and feel. “He never puts his clothes in the hamper.” “I’m never going to get everything done.” These words have a way of adding negative meaning about ourselves that continue the cycle of negative thinking. Try to find a moment that you can feel at peace with and take a little more time to sit in that thought. “My child still has breakfast on his face. He enjoyed his breakfast.” While not a groundbreaking positive thought, identifying things that you can accept and be at peace with can go a long way to stopping the pattern of noticing the negative. If possible, try to find a moment of positive and peace even if it is removed from the negative things you have noticed. Take a moment to put on that warm, fuzzy scarf that feels good or stay in the car a moment longer to finish listening to a good song. Remember, each moment of gratitude can be just a moment.
How Can I Teach Gratitude to My Kids
As in many of my other blog posts or articles, I am going to suggest mirroring as a great way to teach gratefulness and gratitude. Our children learn by watching and mirroring the adults around them. This means that your teaching tool is within you and your ability to show gratitude and gratefulness. Knowing this, it is important to take a look at how you embody and show gratitude for the people and world around you. Do you take the time to notice the little things? To smell the roses for example? In our busy world, it is very easy to take these little things for granted. Do you notice the negative more frequently than the positive?
Using your words to express what you are doing is a great technique for teaching children of all ages. Instead of directly teaching them, try to make statements out loud about your process of slowing down and noticing something positive around you. “I love the crisp cool air this morning.” “I feel so proud watching you working hard on your homework.” “Sitting together as a family makes my heart warm.” Will your child acknowledge your statement? Maybe or maybe not, but they are almost always watching you to know how to work in their world.
If your child typically notices the negative, you can acknowledge what they noticed and maybe how it makes them feel AND model finding something positive or at least more neutral in the situation. Notice that it is important to acknowledge what they initially said and how they might feel rather than solely trying to change their opinion and thoughts to the positive. By acknowledging their initial comment, you are letting them know you see them and can understand where they are coming from. Many people think the eternal optimist is annoying because sometimes you need someone to just acknowledge the negative with you instead of finding the butterflies and unicorns in all situations. Maybe your positive comment is about something completely different or about the process you just shared together.
You can also take on a more direct approach. You can sit around the dinner table and share gratitude as a family or ask your child what they feel grateful for as you tuck them into bed at night. These techniques work too, however there will still be a modeling component if you would like them to think about other things that their Fortnight skins or toys. You can start by sharing something small that you noticed during your day. Share how it made you feel to slow down and notice it. It could be something about your child or it does not have to be. Then ask if there is anything they noticed during their day that made them feel happy or calm.
Teaching yourself or your child to feel grateful and find gratitude is not an all or nothing process. It will take time and practice to slow down and shift your thinking. Some children need more guidance than others. Adding these small moments of mindfulness and positivity to your day will help build calm and peace in your life. Each moment of peace is something to feel grateful for in such a busy world.
Gratitude is more than going around the table at thanksgiving and sharing the one or two things you are grateful for. Gratitude is about slowing down and noticing the little things around you. You can focus on the things you have, the things you get to do, the people around you, and the things that make you-you. Slowing down your busy life of driving your children around to their different activities, helping them with their homework, doing that extra project for your boss, and doing the laundry can be life changing. What I am suggesting is not sitting down for an hour-long meditation session or scheduling a family meeting to discuss the importance of being grateful for the things you have. I am suggesting taking a moment or two to take a deep breath when you step outside or a moment to watch your child practice tying their shoes. You can take one moment to smile and pat yourself on the back for a job well done on a project at work or for a dinner you took out of the oven. Gratitude is about observing a moment and finding calm or peace or thankfulness for that moment. You can quickly move on to the next task at hand until you notice another moment where you feel satisfaction or peace.
Changing the Negative to Positive
Many times we do stop to notice the little things, and those things are not peaceful or positive. We notice the clothes left on the floor, the food left on a toddler’s face, the items that have not been completed on your to do list or any other negative thing present. How can you move past these negative thoughts?
One way is to stop, observe how you are feeling and describe it in a way that is not judgmental or shaming. Notice if the voice in your head is saying “always” or “never” when describing what you see and feel. “He never puts his clothes in the hamper.” “I’m never going to get everything done.” These words have a way of adding negative meaning about ourselves that continue the cycle of negative thinking. Try to find a moment that you can feel at peace with and take a little more time to sit in that thought. “My child still has breakfast on his face. He enjoyed his breakfast.” While not a groundbreaking positive thought, identifying things that you can accept and be at peace with can go a long way to stopping the pattern of noticing the negative. If possible, try to find a moment of positive and peace even if it is removed from the negative things you have noticed. Take a moment to put on that warm, fuzzy scarf that feels good or stay in the car a moment longer to finish listening to a good song. Remember, each moment of gratitude can be just a moment.
How Can I Teach Gratitude to My Kids
As in many of my other blog posts or articles, I am going to suggest mirroring as a great way to teach gratefulness and gratitude. Our children learn by watching and mirroring the adults around them. This means that your teaching tool is within you and your ability to show gratitude and gratefulness. Knowing this, it is important to take a look at how you embody and show gratitude for the people and world around you. Do you take the time to notice the little things? To smell the roses for example? In our busy world, it is very easy to take these little things for granted. Do you notice the negative more frequently than the positive?
Using your words to express what you are doing is a great technique for teaching children of all ages. Instead of directly teaching them, try to make statements out loud about your process of slowing down and noticing something positive around you. “I love the crisp cool air this morning.” “I feel so proud watching you working hard on your homework.” “Sitting together as a family makes my heart warm.” Will your child acknowledge your statement? Maybe or maybe not, but they are almost always watching you to know how to work in their world.
If your child typically notices the negative, you can acknowledge what they noticed and maybe how it makes them feel AND model finding something positive or at least more neutral in the situation. Notice that it is important to acknowledge what they initially said and how they might feel rather than solely trying to change their opinion and thoughts to the positive. By acknowledging their initial comment, you are letting them know you see them and can understand where they are coming from. Many people think the eternal optimist is annoying because sometimes you need someone to just acknowledge the negative with you instead of finding the butterflies and unicorns in all situations. Maybe your positive comment is about something completely different or about the process you just shared together.
You can also take on a more direct approach. You can sit around the dinner table and share gratitude as a family or ask your child what they feel grateful for as you tuck them into bed at night. These techniques work too, however there will still be a modeling component if you would like them to think about other things that their Fortnight skins or toys. You can start by sharing something small that you noticed during your day. Share how it made you feel to slow down and notice it. It could be something about your child or it does not have to be. Then ask if there is anything they noticed during their day that made them feel happy or calm.
Teaching yourself or your child to feel grateful and find gratitude is not an all or nothing process. It will take time and practice to slow down and shift your thinking. Some children need more guidance than others. Adding these small moments of mindfulness and positivity to your day will help build calm and peace in your life. Each moment of peace is something to feel grateful for in such a busy world.
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