By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC
If you listen to and are interested in the current research in parenting and discipline, then you will know that a focus on connecting with your child is one of the most important prevention strategies for misbehavior. You know that a child acting out is a child unable to get their needs met in a way that is “appropriate.” What your child needs during a tantrum is not a time out, but is understanding and a hug from you. After ordering every new parenting book you can find on Amazon and reading half of them, you get to work. You spend time each day reading with your child, learning about Fortnite, snuggling on the couch watching Sponge Bob, helping them with their homework, and taking them to special restaurants. I will no longer scream at my child. I will be peace and tranquility. My child will behave because we are connected. And then your child looks you in the face and says, “NO,” to all requests to clean their room or do their homework. They argue that the sky is brown and not blue (which depending on where you live is actually true). And then you get another call home from school that your child has been disrespectful and defiant towards his teacher. Your next thought (after thinking of ways to destroy your sweet child) is “I am the worst parent in the world. I am not connected with my child and clearly don’t know how to connect.” It might switch to “what do all these experts know anyway? Do they even have kids?”
If this sounds like your experience, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Are you the worst parent in the world? NO. Do you know how to connect with your child? Probably. Do the experts know what they are talking about? YEP. Some of them even have kids. So what is the problem? Why won’t my child behave?
Well, here’s the thing…some children are more difficult to parent than others. There are a myriad of reasons why your child may not behave how you would like them to. They may not have the language to share what is going on for them. Maybe they are going through a lot of transitions in their life right now. It is possible that they are imitating someone else in their life. In the most extreme cases, it is possible that your child suffers from Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).
What is ODD?
Oppositional Defiant Disorder is characterized by argumentative and defiant behavior, annoying others frequently, losing their temper or is frequently irritable or annoyed themselves, and is sometimes accompanied by a sense of vindictiveness. These behaviors affect themselves and the folks around them. And tougher than these behaviors themselves, many times kids with this disorder do not view themselves as angry or oppositional, and they often justify their behaviors as a response to being slighted by others. Put these together and yep, you’ve got a more difficult parenting situation. ODD is more typically found in males, however if this sounds like your daughter, know that girls can have ODD too.
You might think, “No, this can’t be my child, they are only awful for me. It must be something I’m doing.” Well, ODD can occur across all environments and with all authority figures, or it may just happen in one setting. This is typically the home. There can be significant differences with children who exhibit ODD behaviors. Some are just argumentative and refuse to do what is asked of them around the house. Others are vindictive, hurt people’s feelings on purpose, destroy others’ possessions, and any other naughty behavior you can think of at home, school, or with any other person in authority.
If you have decided that this might in fact be something your child (and family) struggles with, what now? How did my child get this terrible disorder? Is it contagious? Will my child always have ODD? If connecting with my child isn’t enough, what forms of discipline will work? And if while asking all of these questions in your head, you have started hyperventilating, slow down, take a breath, and repeat this phrase, “I am a caring and capable parent and will find a way to help my child and my family.”
Unfortunately, there are not a lot of known causes for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. There are studies that have linked ODD to harsh or inconsistent parenting practices and chaotic family situations, however children raised in loving, consistent homes can also have this disorder. The disorder seems to be linked to a more difficult temperament, including poor frustration tolerance or troubles regulating emotions. At this time, there are not any genetic or physiological results that are conclusive of why some children become defiant and others do not. One positive…it is not contagious. Another positive…many children grow out of the behaviors in late adolescence or young adulthood. Some seem to grow out of it earlier than that. You get to be a part of helping your child “grow out of it” sooner rather than later.
So, you may be feeling that reading all of those parenting books was a huge waste of your time. Let me tell you, it wasn’t. After working with many children and teens with ODD in the past 10 years, the children who are more connected to their parents or other caregivers have a much better prognosis than those who feel isolated and rejected. Because of their negative behaviors with adults, kids with ODD do not have many positive interactions with any adults or authority figures. Their behaviors will intensify when they believe that they are “bad” or “unwanted.” It is difficult to show your child love when they have just destroyed a family heirloom and don’t seem to care how it has affected you or are saying “no” to any and all requests. It is easier to hold a grudge and remind these kids of all of the bad things they have done in the past week, however it is very important to find positives in your child. Catch them being good and reward them for it.
What all of those books explained about the importance of consistency with your parenting and consequences is much more important than for an easier kiddo. If your child has ODD, they are much more likely to remember and bank on the one time they got the toy or candy in the store to shut them up or to stop them from misbehaving than your normal ordinary kid. They learn quickly that misbehavior doesn’t always equal a consequence. Consequences that are immediate will work much better than longer term consequences that cannot be reinforced in the moment. It is also helpful to use natural consequences as often as possible. If the consequence makes sense to an ODD child, they are less likely (maybe not a lot less) to fight it. If natural consequences are not working, find something that will. For many kids in today’s world, the removal of technology and screens is typically successful. However for an angry, child with ODD that feels slighted by you, finding them an alternative behavior to do when screens are removed can be very helpful at stopping the scheming of a way to get you back. An example is providing a sketch book and colored pencils for them to use while the screens are put away.
If you are still feeling overwhelmed, and believe me many of these kids are overwhelming, it may be time to reach out to a professional for help. Finding a therapist or psychologist for assessment, therapy, and support can be a life changer. Many times therapists will combine skills-based therapy for the child and parent coaching for the parents to help support the difficulties described above. I have found that an attachment and child-directed approach has worked wonders for the kids coming into my office with symptoms of ODD. I also provide parent support and coaching, as well as connecting with the other authority figures in the child’s life (i.e. teachers, school counselors, etc.).
Parenting is difficult. It can feel extremely exhausting and disheartening when you feel like you are not sure how to parent your child; how to help guide them into the person you hope they become. Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a challenge. It is a challenge that will require a little (or maybe a lot) of extra work and support. It is doable. You are capable. And the extra work is worth it.
Well, here’s the thing…some children are more difficult to parent than others. There are a myriad of reasons why your child may not behave how you would like them to. They may not have the language to share what is going on for them. Maybe they are going through a lot of transitions in their life right now. It is possible that they are imitating someone else in their life. In the most extreme cases, it is possible that your child suffers from Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).
What is ODD?
Oppositional Defiant Disorder is characterized by argumentative and defiant behavior, annoying others frequently, losing their temper or is frequently irritable or annoyed themselves, and is sometimes accompanied by a sense of vindictiveness. These behaviors affect themselves and the folks around them. And tougher than these behaviors themselves, many times kids with this disorder do not view themselves as angry or oppositional, and they often justify their behaviors as a response to being slighted by others. Put these together and yep, you’ve got a more difficult parenting situation. ODD is more typically found in males, however if this sounds like your daughter, know that girls can have ODD too.
You might think, “No, this can’t be my child, they are only awful for me. It must be something I’m doing.” Well, ODD can occur across all environments and with all authority figures, or it may just happen in one setting. This is typically the home. There can be significant differences with children who exhibit ODD behaviors. Some are just argumentative and refuse to do what is asked of them around the house. Others are vindictive, hurt people’s feelings on purpose, destroy others’ possessions, and any other naughty behavior you can think of at home, school, or with any other person in authority.
If you have decided that this might in fact be something your child (and family) struggles with, what now? How did my child get this terrible disorder? Is it contagious? Will my child always have ODD? If connecting with my child isn’t enough, what forms of discipline will work? And if while asking all of these questions in your head, you have started hyperventilating, slow down, take a breath, and repeat this phrase, “I am a caring and capable parent and will find a way to help my child and my family.”
Unfortunately, there are not a lot of known causes for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. There are studies that have linked ODD to harsh or inconsistent parenting practices and chaotic family situations, however children raised in loving, consistent homes can also have this disorder. The disorder seems to be linked to a more difficult temperament, including poor frustration tolerance or troubles regulating emotions. At this time, there are not any genetic or physiological results that are conclusive of why some children become defiant and others do not. One positive…it is not contagious. Another positive…many children grow out of the behaviors in late adolescence or young adulthood. Some seem to grow out of it earlier than that. You get to be a part of helping your child “grow out of it” sooner rather than later.
So, you may be feeling that reading all of those parenting books was a huge waste of your time. Let me tell you, it wasn’t. After working with many children and teens with ODD in the past 10 years, the children who are more connected to their parents or other caregivers have a much better prognosis than those who feel isolated and rejected. Because of their negative behaviors with adults, kids with ODD do not have many positive interactions with any adults or authority figures. Their behaviors will intensify when they believe that they are “bad” or “unwanted.” It is difficult to show your child love when they have just destroyed a family heirloom and don’t seem to care how it has affected you or are saying “no” to any and all requests. It is easier to hold a grudge and remind these kids of all of the bad things they have done in the past week, however it is very important to find positives in your child. Catch them being good and reward them for it.
What all of those books explained about the importance of consistency with your parenting and consequences is much more important than for an easier kiddo. If your child has ODD, they are much more likely to remember and bank on the one time they got the toy or candy in the store to shut them up or to stop them from misbehaving than your normal ordinary kid. They learn quickly that misbehavior doesn’t always equal a consequence. Consequences that are immediate will work much better than longer term consequences that cannot be reinforced in the moment. It is also helpful to use natural consequences as often as possible. If the consequence makes sense to an ODD child, they are less likely (maybe not a lot less) to fight it. If natural consequences are not working, find something that will. For many kids in today’s world, the removal of technology and screens is typically successful. However for an angry, child with ODD that feels slighted by you, finding them an alternative behavior to do when screens are removed can be very helpful at stopping the scheming of a way to get you back. An example is providing a sketch book and colored pencils for them to use while the screens are put away.
If you are still feeling overwhelmed, and believe me many of these kids are overwhelming, it may be time to reach out to a professional for help. Finding a therapist or psychologist for assessment, therapy, and support can be a life changer. Many times therapists will combine skills-based therapy for the child and parent coaching for the parents to help support the difficulties described above. I have found that an attachment and child-directed approach has worked wonders for the kids coming into my office with symptoms of ODD. I also provide parent support and coaching, as well as connecting with the other authority figures in the child’s life (i.e. teachers, school counselors, etc.).
Parenting is difficult. It can feel extremely exhausting and disheartening when you feel like you are not sure how to parent your child; how to help guide them into the person you hope they become. Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a challenge. It is a challenge that will require a little (or maybe a lot) of extra work and support. It is doable. You are capable. And the extra work is worth it.
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